The Blonde, the Brunette, and the King of Thieves
by PaperTiger
Summary: (Slayers/Xena-Herc) Will Autolycus, King of Thieves, survive a scrape with Lina Inverse the Bandit Killer, Naga the White Serpent, and a Preteen Sheik Efreet?
1. Default Chapter

The Blonde, the Brunette, and the King of Thieves

By Paper Tiger

http://www.angelfire.com/va3/slayersforever/forever/start.html

Disclamier: Lina, Naga, Mazoku, and all Slayers related elements are copyright of I forget their names, but their collective authors, producers, and creators. Xena, Hercules, Autolycus, and all related elements are copyright of okay, I forget them too, but they don't belong to me either.

Foreword: All I'd like to say is that Bruce Cambell is a living cartoon character. All I did was make him 2d.

* * *

Chapter 1: Feeling the Heat

Autolycus, the self proclaimed King of Thieves, was not having a very good day. Gamblers often have a similar experience: they enter a room, risk it all in one daring maneuver, and briefly glimpse fortune, fame, and fortune before the oafish, hairy hand of Lady Luck steals it away.

Autolycus, at the moment this saga starts, was being beaten by the many oafish, hairy fists of the Royal Vanchuran Guard this was a rare occasion in which his expertise failed him during a theft. Vanchura is a relatively small kingdom, and is not worth mentioning, really. It was to Autolycus's amusement (if you could call it such) that such a small country could produce such giant Palace Guards. Go figure.

Lady Luck had stood him up as he escaped the Vanchuran palace. Auto fled into the woods, expecting to be alone and out of sight. Rather, he had fallen into the perfect ambush, and was now out of shouting range from any Greek demigods. Cest' la vive.

But his salvation was casually approaching, in the form of two young women famous throughout the land.

"Drop him, boys," said a girl, stern yet cool tone. Fonzerelli cool.

Autolycus was unable to clearly see these newcomers, as he was both upside-down and given a black by Guard #3.

"AND IF WE DON'T," grunted a cubed guard near Auto.

"Then we'll have to teach you a lesson," said a second, if not equally confident, feminine voice.

The sound of bone-crunching kicks and explosions filled the air and Auto was dropped to the ground. In the time it took him to stand up and dust himself off, the few guards still conscious were calling for their mommies.

Autolycus's prayers were saved by a brunette and a redhead .we know what you're thinkingNo.

"Ladies, ladies," he said as a smile slide across his bruised face

"what a pleasure it is to see you a-"

His eyes came into focus and something... wasn't right. "-gain?"

His liberators weren't who he'd expected. Sure, the younger girl was short and had red hair, but the girl Auto knew didn't wear armor. 

And even though the brunette was tall and wearing leather, she was too young and revealing too much skin.

Relatively speaking, of course.

"Forgive me," he smiled, still tilting from the mob assault. "I'd thought you were friends of mine, but I'm afraid we haven't been acquainted."

The girls looked up from their work (i.e. relieving the unconscious guards of their wallets) and gazed at him with annoyance and suspicion. The brunette seemed surprised that he was still around.

"And you are?" he persisted.

The smaller strawberry –blonde girl, who looked about 14, wrestled her bottom jaw from side to side before giving in to his "charm."

"Lina."

Not wanting to be stood up, the brunette with huge tracks of land... stood up dynamically and proclaimed: 

"And *I* am Naga, the White Serpent!"

"Naga," Auto tossed up half-heartedly, "what a lovely name." Even he wasn't sure if that was sarcasm.

Hmm. _Cute kids,_ thought Auto, _but they not interested enough in me to be worth hanging around_. _It'd be best to wow them now with an impressive exit and "accidentally" bump into them later. Be the real mystery man._

"Well, dear ladies, I must be hitting the road. But I want you to know that you've had the honor of meeting..." 

tug on vest... 

"The King of Thieves!"

_Walk two hundred feet, swing into a tree when they're not looking, reemerge only when out of sight. Brilliant plan as always,'_ he thought.

"Hey, Naga," piped Lina. "How big a bounty do you think there'd be on a King of Thieves'?"

The rogue froze with a familiar Poit'.

"Ooohh, Quite a lot, I'd wager," mused Naga.

Autolycus's comical grin hardened into a stern and solemn expression, chin jutting fiercely. He turned to the two girls and glared. If he was going down, he would face his fate like a man.

"I warn you, ladies, you're not getting me without a flight."

The girls looked at each other in confusion.

"Doesn't he mean fight'?" Naga asked.

"Nope," sighed Lina upon turning, "'flight.'"

Naga followed Lina's finger to where Autolycus was running down the forest path like there was no tomorrow (which, given his circumstances, was quite possible.)

"fireBALL!!" Lina cried, hurling the explosive orb underhand across the glen. It landed with a thunderous crash and a satisfying scream. 

* * *

Among a hall of heartless stone and sparkling steel prevailed a throne of skulls. Atop this twisted monument to hatred and destruction was a figure warped greater still. Not a mere man, but a god.

His locks were curly and his sideburns imposing. Both were a brooding black, as was his villainous beard/goatee combo. He was in fact "too sexy for his shirt," for his clothing consisted only of a black leather vest and pants. If you haven't guessed it already, he is Ares, God of War.

Normally not a very jolly character, today he was feeling quite good- in a sadistic way. All of his plans were unraveling just as he had planned, and soon the world would be his to control. War would prevail and all would bow before his fury.

Not that this plan involves Lina, Naga, or Autolycus. It may deal with Xena and/or Hercules, but who really cares? No, Ares and his diabolical plans really have nothing to do with this fic in any way, shape, or form.

I just wanted to say once and for all that if Ares was in anime form, he'd be a bishonen.

...not to say that someone _else_'s dark and evil plans didn't involve our heroes.

* * *

The glinting, one-eyed sorcerer cackled to himself in either pure joy or in insurmountable frustration. He had delved too far into madness to show any distinction between the two emotions. For all we know, he could be laughing feverishly over a very good corn muffin. Either way, he drew a circle of dust upon the floor and placed a dark candle in the center.

The candle was odd, dark and twisted in every meaning of the word. It reeked of copper and decay, and looked like an art piece modeled after strangling vines. Modern art. Any one holding it would have gained a bad vibe. And most bizarre of all, however, was the fact that it bore three separate wicks.

The codger lit one of the wicks with a long match, not daring to step inside the circle.

After a blast of rancid air swept through the chamber, the candle burned with a maroon flame. But nothing else. The wizard's ornate and arcane ceremony summoned... nothing.

He scratched his head and wondered if he had performed the ritual correctly... it _had_ been a while.

As headed for his desk, his one eye fell upon the wall. The light of the candle cast the shadows of two separate people, one in the circle, one outside.

"I knew you couldn't escape," creaked the old man, turning back to the center of the circle.

Within the circular seal of dust, the figure of a small boy wrapped in robes materialized into view. He gave an exasperated sigh.

"What do you ask of me now?"

The old man chuckled to some joke in his head. "I want you to retrieve something..."

* * *

Autolycus was **really** not having a good day. To paraphrase a well-known simile, he was thrown out of the frying pan and into the blazing fusion reactor known as the sun. Not that Autolycus knew that the sun they orbited was a fusion reactor, but he assumed that he'd be better off there than being dragged around by Lina and Naga.

He was right.

The two young sorceresses were taking him to market, to market, just like a fat pig. Lina literally had his wrists and neck tied to a length of rope and led him about like a dog. The tall bimbo was strutting triumphantly behind him.

"Is the leash really necessary?" he asked after a long while.

"Probably not," chirped Lina, making no movement to relieve him of it.

Only when the terrain became slanted did they notice something amiss. The birds had sung peacefully in the forest, not in the mountainside path. Hell, even the bugs dind't buzz and bite in obscene places, so you know something's wrong. Autolycus felt like someone breathing down the back of his neck, with a foul breath and stuffed-up nose. Lina felt it too.

If Naga wasn't so busy praising herself, no doubt she'd share in there discomfort.

Lina stopped tugging at the thief's leash, letting Auto gasp for breath.

"Hand him over now."

To their left was a 12-year old boy. The group never saw him approach nor emerge. It was almost as if he materialized between blinks... and he didn't look all too pleased.

The boy certainly looked capable of mirth, though. His face was bronzed by the sun and glowed, while his dress suggested a far off land. Like a Nomad of the Desert. He stared at them with twinkling sky-blue eyes, squinted in a stare. The only part of his appearance not inviting was his short black hair, which neither shimmered nor glistened. Kind of dreary and foreboding.

But what really caught the group's attention was his scent. Whenever the wind picked up a fraction of his smell and carried it to the three, their minds were flooded with images of desert landscapes and lonely flowers in the cool nights.

Lina wasn't impressed. Foreigners were nothing to gawk at, and you can buy sandalwood perfumes at any market for half a silver piece.

"Sorry, but he's coming with us," Lina piped.

"I must insist," the stranger said dryly. His tone was musical, but bleached and stripped of all humor.

"Well, I don't know who _you_ are," Naga proclaimed with contempt, "but what the Great Naga wants, she gets! OOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!!!!"

Autolycus winced from the laugh for the 11th time that afternoon. To the few of you out there lucky enough to have never heard Naga's laugh, imagine a dentist's drill: it produces sound that can drive any mentally-balanced, God-fearing, humane creature into his/her room sobbing. Naga's laugh is a sound that can scare dentists.

Lina, who had been hearing that laugh for quite a while now, only twitched; but she noticed that despite the demonic cackling, the strange boy hadn't winced in the slightest. **_Now_** Lina was impressed. Nor, she realized, did he even pulse, blink, or breathe. 

"Finders keepers," coughed Lina, hoping for once that this conversation wouldn't end in a fight.

"Well," the youth replied sternly, "I tried to play it nice."

As his caramel arms and off-white sleeves were raised above his head, a gust of wind sprung up around them. Leaves and pebbles cut like razors in the cyclone, buffeting the three travelers in the gale. Without a word, the stranger had lent them their own personal tornado.

"AERO BOMB," cried Lina, letting the air pressure release from her palms and into the storm. The cyclone was negated, and the world stopped spinning. Once again she could see the attacker clearly; he looked neither impressed nor amused.

But Naga beat Lina to the next attack, throwing everyone off guard.

"FREEZE ARROW!" The tall woman fired the pantomimed bow and three jagged icicles flew towards the Nomad.

A very effective spell, it can freeze or impale any human target it hits. Imagine the girls' surprise as the arrows passed right through him.

"Wha-A??"

No punctured chest with exit wounds, no graphic gaping holes. The icicles moved through as if he wasn't there. Intangible. Not of flesh and blood.

**"HOLY **[insert popular curse word of the Slayer's Universe]**," **cried Lina, **"HE'S A MAZOKU!!!!!"**

Autolycus swung around towards the boy and gasped. The King of Thieves had only heard the word on rare occasions, and never in good context. 

The Mazoku were a race of demonic wraiths that weren't even mentioned in blood-chilling stories by hardened adventurers. Members of the Mazoku race (called by some the Monster race) could take any form, go anywhere, and have enough power to do almost anything they pleased.

The word Mazoku didn't ring well with the pre-teen attacker either. His face contorted into a gruesome scowl and he flexed his tiny muscles. All around him, plants, rocks and trees started to tremble and fly away in all directions, as though scared for their lives. As flames burst from his blue eyes, Lina thought it a good time to retreat and rally.

She grabbed Naga's cape and Auto's leash, pulling both behind a rock. She peeked over to double-check on the Mazoku. 

He appeared to be still powering up, or something. Good.

"Naga," she barked, taking control despite her age, "summon something to slow him down."

Naga clapped her hands together and light trickled from the cracks between. Globules of clay and dirt rose up from the ground and formed into golemous minions. Minions with beer-bellies.

_Sure, they look like overweight middle-aged men,' _thought Lina,_ but they at least will buy some time.'_

She turned back to her captive King of Thieves, whose eyes were mourning his chaffed neck.

"Now, why is A MAZOKU, after you?" she interrogated roughly.

"I have NO idea," Auto lied. 

Not as convincing as he'd thought, for Lina was now pulling his moustache off.

"WHY???"

"Oww-OKAY!! It's probably something I stole yesterday. Maybe he's come to take it back!"

"What is it you stole?"

"I don't know exactly!" he said, (honestly this time.) "Some guy is pay-" 

He trailed off, realizing he'd said too much.

Now Lina's heart was into it. This was no longer a matter of life and death; this was about money!

"Some guy is WHAT??" she said, giving his ear an almost complete turn.

"OWWW!!!SomeGuy'sPayingMeToStealTheThingI'llSplitTheMoneyWithYouIfYouJustStopTuggingMyAppendages!!!" he yelled.

Lina stopped twisting his ear, but her fingers still gripped the it tight, ready at any moment for another turn.

"what split?"

Autolycus squirmed slightly.

"5o-5o."

Rather than forcing him to haggle, Lina thought of an evil way to twist his words around. He was in no position to argue.

"Hey, Naga," she dripped slyly. "He just offered us 50-50."

Naga gleamed. "How nice of him!"

Lina's cunning nature hit Autolycus like a ton of bricks.

"What, **you two** split it 50-50??? I meant-"

He too realized he was in no position to argue.

"Okay, but only I KNOW where the item is and WHERE to return it, so here's the deal: I give you girls the 50-50 and you make sure I'm safe till I deliver it. AND NO BOUNTIES WHEN WE'RE THROUGH!!"

Lina smiled slightly. This Autolycus knew what was and wasn't negotiable.

"Deal!"

The last yelp from the clay pot-bellied person confirmed that their adversary wasn't going to be delayed any longer.

Lina emerged from behind the rock and took a good at him. The young foreigner was no longer exotic nor entrancing, but was flaming, fuming, and the proud owner of a look of death. He also kinda looked like a little kid having a tantrumbut same difference.

Lina drew back her elbow and whispered the spell under her breath. A fiery rod formed between her ear and her wrist, and she let it fly.

The apparition would have laughed, if he wasn't in such a foul mood. Flare Arrows can't hurt Mazoku.

Lina _did_ laugh. An Almekia Lance wrapped in a Flare Arrow spell CAN hurt a Mazoku.

For a brief moment, you could see directly through the young Nomad. He screamed and clutched his chest, waiting for his Astral body to pull itself to together.

"You are SO-"

He was cut off by a booming voice that echoed through the forest. It was hoarse and sounded like an ancient disgruntled frog.

"FOOL, YOU HAVE FAILED!"

"Whadd'ya mean?" the Nomad replied.

"TURN AROUND!!"

The Mazoku looked behind him. Far down the forest path, he could see Naga carrying Autolycus on a Raywing spell. 

Lina was just the distraction.

The Mazoku cursed and prepared to move to Auto's location in the blink of an eye.

"NO," yelled again the disembodied voice, "RETURN AT ONCE!! WE SHALL DEAL WITH THE THIEF LATER."

The Mazoku glared at Lina. And did. Not. move.

"NOW!!!!!!"

Before leaving, the caramel colored wraith let out a frustrated yell, more bestial than human. Neither one would have surprised Lina, considering his age.

He blinked out of existence. 

Lina pondered all this a moment.

* * *

"So why is this creature after you?" inquired Naga, shaking Auto like a rag doll with Lina looking on. It was her turn to play bad cop.

Autolycus seemingly got a case of cold feet, and proclaimed ignorance.

and had to be pummeled by fists a few times before he'd speak again.

"Alright! Someone old guy named Gurgenheim hired me to steal a ring. It belongs to a wizard by the name of Thrushmire, so I snuck into Thrushmire's mansion I stole it. Easy as that."

"And why does he want it?" said Lina.

"I don't know, but he's paying a lot."

"How much is a lot?" Lina pried.

Auto's eyebrows bounced twice, which is Fonzerellian for "a LOT."

But Naga wasn't that trusting.

"Hm. Give it here!"

"Give what?"

"The ring, stupid," Naga insisted.

"No way, lady!" said Autolycus smugly.

"But how do we know you're not making this up?" 

The girls pressed forward, getting angrier by the second.

"It's... in a safe place," Auto said, getting suddenly uncomfortable. His angst resembled stage fright more than it did mortal fear.

Naga cast a Lighting spell in her hand. Lina knew it was harmless. Auto didn't.

"Cough it up," Lina said. She was sick of playing good cop.

"..."

And he did just that. After a good ten minutes of coughing and retching, Autolycus spit out of his mouth a large ring.

"That is sick," said Lina after the ten minutes. Naga was already retching behind a bush of her own.

Autolycus didn't even bother with the suave attitude now.

"When I was ambushed in the woods, I had just enough time to swallow it, to prevent those guards from finding it."

Lina would have been impressed by this guy had she saw not it not seen him retching for ten minutes. Auto wiped the ring off with a handkerchief and handed it to Lina.

"Don't get attached to it, I want it back," he said.

She was thankful she was wearing gloves.

It was a large ring. Not so much the adornment, so much as the hole size. It was meant to fit a man. While several cryptic figures were carved into the silver surface, Lina could only read one of the engravings. It clearly read "Ranguard."

It took Lina a moment to remember where she had heard that name. Then it took her several moments to realize that she couldn't **possibly** have remembered correctly. This was followed by a period of her memory confirming, yes, that was the correct name, but if that meant what she thought it meant, she must be going crazy, because it couldn't possibly be what she thought it meant. The only other possibility is that all of this was in her head, the ring wasn't real, the thief in the green vest wasn't real either, nothing in the universe was real, and Lina was literally the dream of a some butterfly spending it's vacation time on a tropical island beach in the shape of New Zealand.

"**HOLY **[obscenity. Lina was on a roll today.]** Is this THE Ring of Ranguard**?!?" she proclaimed to Autolycus. Naga was _still_ retching. 

"Um, is there any way of you can explain this without the obligatory history lesson?" muttered Auto, who knew the formula.

"'Fraid not," said Lina, detached in her awe. "Ranguard is one of the oldest Magic Universities in the continent, founded by a wizard of the same name. While historians bicker like spoiled children, it's generally thought that Ranguard kept most of his power in the ring he wore. When he died, he bestowed it on the college."

Autolycus did recall seeing a good number of Ranguard College trophies and tapestries in Thrushmire's house.

"It is said," Lina continued, not without a dash of excitement, "that the ring grants magical power upon anyone who wears it. A shrubbery designer wearing it has the power of an Archmage. And if worn by an Archmage, then..." 

She searched for a word that wouldn't sound exaggerated to Autolycus. 

She couldn't find one.

"...bad news?" Autolycus asked, arching the left side of his face.

Lina just nodded.

"Of course," said Lina with thought, "that could be just a fable."

"Of course," replied Auto confidently.

Yeah right. We all know how many breathtaking, edge-of-your-seat adventures involve non-magical items and pint-sized monsters blown out of proportion by hearsay.

Isn't wasn't long before the unlikely union strolled into city of Commercila, a bustling berg of business and flashy advertisements. As soon as the city came into sight, they found it hard to avoid seeing fifty-foot billboards. One of them advertised Battery-Operated toothbrushes, despite the fact that the Slayer's world had yet to invent batteries. Such was the nature of Commercila.

And while Naga's and Lina's new friend refrained from answering any questions, Lina guessed from Auto's smile that his benefactor was close by.

Upon entering the streets of the busy marketplace, Autolycus clapped his hands and looked about him with a wide grin. For a wanted criminal, he was sure social.

"Looks like we're in the clear, for now," he sat patting his chest. "It's not a far journey from here, but we'll need a full stomach and something to ride on. You girls grab yourself a table in that inn, get something to drink on me, and I'll see if we can't rent some horses."

He started walking but felt himself unable to move forward. He increased his effort, but all he did was kick up dirt.

Lina was standing, eyes closed, right behind. She was holding his belt with a slightly annoyed look on her face.

"Do you honestly think we're going to let you out of our sight?" she asked, after a pause. 

Auto assumed the customary Anime "I can explain" face, even with his back still to Lina.

He turned around, opting to drop the Anime expression for his default lazy-but-cute smirk. 

"Can yah honestly blame me?" he said frankly and innocently.

"No," Lina admitted after a long pause. "But now I'm going watch you even closer."

"I would watch me too if I weren't you if you were in my shoes, I wouldn't be in ..No... Or, if I were you, I'd wouldn't trust me either because you would be me..."

An awkward pause followed.

The three knew of one way and one way only to rectify the situation: alcohol.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, after several minor heart attacks from the maitre d', we join the blonde, brunette, and the King of Thieves in mid-conversation.

"It's *not* a Mazoku?" asked Autolycus.

Lina was busy eating like a pig while Naga drank like a fish. Autolycus tried his best to keep up with both girls at once, but the resulting animal would have looked pretty ridiculous.

"Well, no," Lina replied after inhaling a chicken potpie. "It's an Efreet."

She started on a long illumination that Gourry would be glad to have missed.

[cue ominous background music]

"Under the Demon King Shabrinigdo there are the five Mazoku Lords. Likewise, under of each these lords are priests and generals, and under those beings are lesser Mazoku, and under them... you get the idea. Well, an Efreet is a Mazoku that, one way or another, is no longer part of the hierarchy."

"Howkan zat happensh?" asked Naga between bottles.

"I only know of a few ways," Lina replied.

"A. The Mazoku can either lose its master, like a ronin

B. It rebels and leaves the pack

C. It's exiled.

"While Efreets are still powerful, occasionally sorcerers can capture them and force them into servitude. No other Mazoku comes to their rescue, cause they're longer part of the system."

"You mean some wacko who controls Mazoku is after me?!?" Auto said, connecting dots A and B.

"Yes, though there are restrictions to what a sorcerer can do. Djinns can be trapped forever and do unlimited service. With Efreets, however, it's dangerous not to seal them up completely. When the controller needs a Mazoku's service, he or she relinquishes only a fraction of the Mazoku's power. This keeps the mazoku, or efreet, from running amok and killing its captor.

"Usually, sorcerers bind them in a candle or an hourglass. The wax or sand is infused with strong binding spells, and the controller can seal the Efreet completely. By burning the candle or turning the hourglass over, the seal is weakened slightly, and the Efreet is capable of using magic and roaming short distances for a desired task. If it gets too rowdy, the sorcerer just blows out the candle and it's sealed again."

"What happens when the wax burns out?" said Naga, actually interested for once.

"Let's just say it's a bad day for the Controller."

"So what are we worried about?" mused Autolycus. The weight was finally taken off his shoulders. "You said you were able to hurt him earlier, and the efreet can't use all of it's power."

"Yes, but you're missing the point...

"eh?"

"Not only are we dealing with a captured Mazoku, but also a mage strong enough to capture Mazoku."

"Ah."

* * *

End of Chapter 1 


	2. Chin, Don't Fail Me Now

The Blonde, the Brunette, and the King of Thieves

By Paper Tiger

http://www.angelfire.com/va3/slayersforever/forever/start.html

Disclamier: Lina, Naga, Mazoku, and all Slayers related elements are copyright of I forget their names, but their collective authors, producers, and creators. Xena, Hercules, Autolycus, and all related elements are copyright of okay, I forget them too, but they don't belong to me either.

* * *

Chapter 2: Chin, Don't Fail Me Now

The crotchety one-eyed warlock paced across the room frantically. Actually, "limped" would be a more accurate term. And considering how low to the ground he fell with each limp, he looked like a cloaked fish flopping about the secluded chamber.

"I must have that ring back!!!" he growled to himself.

He relit a wick of the dark candle and a cloud of tan smoke engulfed him. The mist swirled and congealed into a solid shape. The young Nomad.

The efreet was no longer in a foul mood, but that's not to say that he wasn't foul to begin with.

"Whaddaya WAANT?"

_I hate youth,'_ thought the sorcerer. "I want, or to be more correct, WANTED that lousy thief brought here!"

"I was preoccupied," the mighty Mazoku whined, twiddling his finger on the floor.

"You were *Thwarted*, by two little girls!!!! The younger one looked like she was in grade school!"

Miles away, Lina sneezed, accompanied with the need to kill something. She hit Autolycus.

"They were tougher than I expected!" proclaimed the efreet in defense. He flew into the air and suspended himself overhead.

"That's no-"

"When I faced them, I was only at a fraction of my power! Light the second wick, and those two are as good as dead."

_With two wicks lit,'_ the sorcerer thought, _Namol would indeed be more powerful. The candle that binds him wouldn't last as long, but still_-

"Do you want that ring or not?"

The old man hesitated and scratched his bristly chin.

And then he lit the second wick.

* * *

Things could have gone better for Lina, Autolycus and Naga. The inn charged on outraged tip (on account they ate enough to feed a party of 8) and solicitors accosted all them as soon as they set foot into the street. Auto found himself beating off a marketer with his boot.

You think you have it bad today with telemarketers calling in the middle of dinner. Frequently forgotten is the detail that before the invention of the phone, telemarketers attacked people in the street. Especially in a Commercila.

Lina, Naga, and Auto rented horses at a local stable and headed west, into the Bleak Forest.

"My benefactor's right up ahead," said Autolycus forty minutes into riding.

Something was bothering Lina, though. It could have been the dark and densely packed forest; stereotypical setting for an attack. Maybe it was Lina's infrequency with horses.

Or maybe it was the fact that their assailant had known their exact location.

Naga and Lina didn't see the tower until they were on top of it. Or, to be more accurate, it was standing over the top of them. Gurgenheim's manor was a tall monolith painted in the same dark shade as the surrounding trees. While the tower was obviously built like a twisted spike, it was hard to tell if it was intentionally wider at the top than the bottom or whether the blueprints were perhaps upside-down. Either way, it would have made Tim Burton wet himself.

"I have to warn you," said Autolycus nervously, "This guy's a little odd."

"You don't say..." said Naga.

"Never would have guessed..." said Lina.

The behemoth front door groaned open by itself. They crept through a dusty, cavernous hall and up a tightly twined staircase.

"I *gasp* I think this ... is it." Said Autolycus after a small lifetime.

"Ah, there you are, Autolycus," echoed a voice from far down the hallway. While not pleasant to listen to, at least the speaker sounded cheerful. "And who are your lady friends?"

"Oh," Auto yelled down the hall with a grin, "It's my overflowing charm and magnetism. I don't think there's any time I don't have to beat them off with a stick."

Naga and Lina glared at Auto. He was either very cautious or very dead.

Gurgenheim the great and powerful was finally revealed to Lina and Naga as they moved into the main chamber. Books and animal cages were stacked into foreboding sky-scrapers. The chamber had less light than the hallway, and the strain on the eyes was torture.

Gurgenheim was covered in a moldy cloak, shambling about the corners.

"I hope you have it," he croaked.

"Is this what you've been asking for?" asked Autolycus, holding up the jeweled ring.

"indeed," the old man replied, lifting his head. He glared at it with his one good eye.

The doors behind Lina and Naga slammed shut without warning. The old man threw his head back and laughed.

"Namol!" he croaked. At the old man's side materialized the Efreet, this time wearing a malicious grin.

The situation hit Lina like a ton o' bricks: The ring's owner wasn't trying to retaliate against Autolycus... Auto's employer was trying to cut Auto out of the deal.

"Now, hold on!" yelped Autolycus, desperately trying to control of the situation. 

"Kill them, Namol!"

Auto's hopes were reduced to ashes.

The teen sheik opened his mouth and a wall of fire rumbled in our hero's direction. Both Naga and Lina launched a counter wave of ice, only to have it fizzle within the inferno.

Auto dove into a pile of books. Thick, concealing books.

Lina wiped her sweaty cheek. She jumped at how much it stung. Her cheek was burned, first degree. The efreet had done in 2 seconds what normally takes 2 weeks on a tropical island. Nothing major, but Lina could see that Naga was burned as well.

The aged sorcerer held the ring high in his hands and limped rapidly to the chamber wall. He disappeared through a hidden passage in the masonry, his craved laughing overpowering the sound of scraping stone.

And if that ring was as powerful as Lina expected, they had better act now.

"Ready, Naga?" Lina asked. Naga seemed to think along the same line, and cried dynamically "Right!"

"DARK MIST," Naga cried, blanketing the room with black misty particles that were without taste and scent. And Dark enough for Lina and Naga to follow Gurgenheim into the passage without the Efreet seeing them.

"Hey Autolycus!" Lina cried. Auto's head popped up from the books.

"We're going after Gugermel or whatever that old creep's name is." The secret stone door scraped against the floor as Naga went in.

"What about the Efreet?" Autolycus called into the dark room.

Though it was far too black to be real, Auto thought he saw Lina's wolfish grin in response.

"Oh Gods," he said to himself, though the efreet was bound to be in listening range.

* * *

Lina and Naga crawled through the thin, dark passage. Gurgenheim was nowhere in sight, but his laughter echoed loudly throughout the dark.

"It sure is cramp," said Lina."

"Says the one who doesn't need to crouch down," was all Naga replied.

"Hey, what does-"

"LADIES." Broke the scratchy, elderly voice, cutting through the girls like a jagged sawblade.

The corridor ended at last and Lina and Naga was caught off guard by a small gust of wind and a blinding sea of red light. Their eyes adjusted to the color of the setting sun and they recognized the gust as the fickle night breeze. They were on the roof, and Gurgenheim was waiting for them.

* * *

Autolycus clamped his hands to his mouth and saw the bonus of the situation. If he couldn't see the efreet, neither could it see him. All he had to do was to stay silent and he was perfectly safe.

Besides, wasn't he the King of Thieves, master of stealth and silence. _Why_, he thought, _I could stroll around this entire chamber and be quiet as a cat. Lina picked the right man for the job._

A sudden monotone gushing sound bounced around somewhere in the darkness. Only people who have lived with 20th century technology would recognize it as the same sound a vacuum cleaner makes. Autolycus _did_ recognize it as trouble.

Suddenly, Auto could see the nose on his face. The next second, with the sound growing louder, he could see his hand. And after a few seconds of confusion, Auto could see the efreet, sitting calmly on the floor, inhaling all of the black particles in the room. There was an awkward moment after he had finished, during which nothing was said and the efreet was focused upon standing up.

_Why, Gods, Why?_

The youthful efreet raised his hands and a ball of crimson flame floated before his palms. The fire was reflected in his eyes, and it also showed in-

The corner of the room! Autolycus could see a tiny lump of a candle in the corner of the room, burning clear and bright from two separate wicks. It must be the one Lina was talking about! If he could just blow it out-

-Which required him to stay alive for more than a few seconds. The orb of flame grew and Auto's mind scrambled for a way out of this fate. How to stall this determined immortal? What do you offer him? How does barbeque avoid barbequing, and will King of Thieve taste good? Howhowhowhow

Auto's mind went blank, and his eyes fell hypnotized by the flaming eyes of the executioner. But like any professional pickpocket and prestidigitationist, Auto's hands where moving desperately, turning out his pockets and pouches for anything that might save him. With coins, jimmies, handkerchiefs and all else emptied on the floor, Auto's hands fell at last to a brochure forced upon him by a solicitor in Commercila.

"H-have yyyyyyou ever considered invessstment in Peabody sshshshshshshshhoe stock?" Auto stammered.

The efreet lowered the fireball and let it disperse, cocking his youthful head to the side.

* * *

Lina and Naga had never seen such a battle. Gurgenheim was full of piss and vinegar, as well as an arsenal of spells. One moment Lina was dodging an ice spell, the next an air based. Naga was doing were best to counteract the dark spells.

"HOLD HIM TIGHT," Lina cried.

Naga raised her arms and felt the powerful tingle surge from her feet to her finger tips. She focused her mind and the surge flowed in the opposite direction twice as strong. The stone roof beneath Gurgenheim swelled up and engulfed him, in the form of a well manicured hand. Lina felt the fireball grow in her palms and was ready to fire.

But Gurgenheim was faster. One ancient word (no longer taught in schools) melted the golem hand like butter and the stone roof rumbled towards the girls like a tidal wave. The fire ball escaped from Lina's hands by mistake and exploded upon the marble wave two feet in front of her, scalding her and filling her face with the exploding shrapnel. 

Naga was knocked off the roof and levitated herself moments before impact with the ground below.

"It's just you and me," croaked the mage.

* * *

"Why would I want to invest in shoes?" the youthful nomad boy piped, floating in the air in a sitting position.

"Because-" said Auto, straining for an answer. His eyes darted back to the pamphlet in case it had any good ideas. "Because shoes are something people will always need."

"So?"

"So... it'd be a good way to make money on the stock market."

"Why would an immortal care about money or stocks?" The efreet asked, raising his hands back up for an attack.

But Autolycus already had a foothold in the conversation, and if there was one thing he had learned as being the King of Thieves, it was how to sell a point.

"But that's what's so brilliant about it," Auto replied with a slippery smile. "In stocks, a Mortal can make about a 50% gain in his lifetime, right? That's just twenty years! Imagine how much you'd make if you had stocks for 40 years! Or 60 80?"

"Hmm. But why shoes?"

"Well," said Autolycus, careful not to waffle (and show weakness), "Shoes are just a good starting point. You could take your profits and put them into even more ventures, and gain profit on that, and hell, before you know it, you'll own half the continent."

The efreet stared wide-eyed, deeply inspired.

"**Really**?"

"Oh, heck yah. Once you reach the millions, you can buy and sell people like cashews."

"Huh."

* * *

Lina felt her odds dropping and her options dwindling. Gurgenheim was just too skilled at everything he did. So, she did the best thing she knew in times like this- Use underhanded tactics.

"Look behind you!" she shouted out, pointing her finger to the horizon. She had a flare arrow poised in her mind's eye, and the second the old man turned his back, she would skewer and scorch him.

"What do you take me for?" he croaked in reply.

"I'm serious!"

"Little girl, I've been a villain for a good forty years. I would hardly be a good one if I'd never pulled the Look behind you!' trick at least once. It's older than I am!"

"Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

"Reverse psychology won't work on me either."

"Your funeral."

"NopE!" he said defiantly. "I will not look behind me." And he shut his eyes just to make sure he didn't turn and look.

Lina just shrugged. So long as he didn't see it coming, it was all the same to her.

"HIT HIM NOW, LINA!" cried a brunette to Lina's right. Naga had flown/scaled her way back up the tower. Lina's heart skipped like a cheap CD and her odds of winning dropped to nil.

* * *

_If __I can just make it to the candle_, Auto thought, _we might have a chance yet._

"So you really think this investment idea is worthwhile?" the young nomad inquired with puppy dog eyes.

"You bet!"

"Okay. Thanks for the advice and all, but I have to kill you now."

* * *

Gurgenheim placed the ring on his finger and muttered a foreboding mantra under his rotten breath.

* * *

Namol the efreet raised his hands and flames flickered softly in front of his face. 

* * *

And in the following second, three events happened simultaneously.

1. Gurgenheim hurled a Burst Flare at Lina and the crawling Naga.

2. The candle that bound Namol burned out.

3. Autolycus had an embarrassing accident in his undergarments.

The first two are quite important, as the released Namol warped himself onto the roof, hurling the Burst Flare back towards Gurgenheim like a volleyball. He promptly disintegrated into a pile of ashes and poetic justice. On top of the pile sat the large jeweled ring.

Lina and Naga stared at wonder at the efreet. Now that he was free again with unbridled power, his shape was not that of a young boy but of a young man. With caramel colored skin and burning eyes, the nomad smiled wolfishly and disappeared from view.

Where, you ask? To return to the one act that got him banished from the Mazoku race in the first place: spending his self-appointed vacation on a New Zealand-shaped tropical island, beachside, dreaming he is a butterfly.

* * *

EPILOGE

Starved, scratched, scorched, and soiled, the three unlikely allies crawled up Thrushmire's driveway, supporting their weight on walking sticks, trees, or just walking on all fours.

The mansion was huge, and Thrushmire was large too. He looked about 50, and came to the door in long designer bathrobes. Grayed would not be a very accurate term, though; he was silvered, much like a TV announcer. The Great Gatsby; the later years.

And he glared at them with a sour expression. After the air was sufficiently tart, he brought them in the pre-modernistic foirer.

"Wipe your feet and don't touch anything," Thrushmire growled, adding a moot "please." 

He drew them into the classy, eggshell-colored living room and stood stiffly. Lina and Naga's eyes immediately fell upon a pedestal just left of the coffee table, and how it was both broken and empty.

"This is the culprit, then?" Thrushmire said, glaring at the disheveled Autolycus.

"Yes, but he's not for sale."

Auto felt an internal grin. Lina Inverse had actually kept her promise... or she was just shopping around.

"Well, then why did you bring him?" asked Thrushmire impatiently. His omellete (made from those speckled brown eggs) was getting cold.

Lina grabbed the small chain around Auto's neck. Dangling from it was the Ranguard ring. Ever so slightly, Thrushmire's eyebrows raised.

"What about a reward?" Naga inquired, jutting her hip.

Thrushmire smiled and stared at Autolycus with partial curiosity.

"Twitchy hired, you didn't he?"

"Come again?"

"Gurgenheim." Thrushmire closed his eyes, and blushed in apology. "We used to call him Twitchy' in college. It was funny, cause he twitched a lot."

"How'd you know?"

"Twitchy was always a little weird, even by wizard standards. Well, one day in college, both of us lost our class rings. He claimed this ring," He pointed at the one dangling from the chain, "Was his ring, when I know for a fact that it's mine."

"So it's just a college graduation ring???" asked Naga. Lina was too much in shock.

"Yup. Dear Alma Mater, Ranguard U. They named the school after it's founding wizard."

Lina opened her mouth, but nothing escaped, not even air.

"I'll tell you," Thrushmire continued, laughing, "Ol' Twitchy was obsessed about getting this ring. Has tried to get it back at least fifty times in the last forty years."

"..."

The following tension that lingered in the air was thicker than L.A. smog. 

"So you won't give us any reward at?" Naga asked defiantly.

Thrushmire looked surprised. He then waded his hands through the pockets of his robes, feeling for spare change.

"Well," said Lina with a cheery grin, "I don't think a reward will be necessary, really."

The eyes of Autolycus and Naga grew to the size of hubcaps. What had come over Lina?

"After all," she snickered. "It's only money!"

_Dear God,_ thought Naga, _she's possessed!_

_She's snapped, once and for all,_ thought Auto.

"I'm glad you think so, miss" said Thrushmire," shaking her hand like an earthquake.

And Lina's grin was far too wide for Naga and Auto's comfort.

* * *

Having unexplainably lost their burns and aches (as is often the case in scene-to-scene cuts in animation) Auto, Lina, and Naga walked down Thrushmire's extravagant crushed-marble driveway. Lina seemed to be the only one who wasn't moping. Rather, she wore a smile from ear to ear.

Finally, Naga couldn't take it anymore:

"WHAT IS SO FUNNY???"

Lina said nothing, but looked up at her colleague with a twinkle in her eye.

"Hey Lina," Autolycus said, pausing his step and fingering his goatee. "Do you really believe that ring was only a mundane class ring?"

Both Lina and Naga paused and weighed his words seriously.

"We'll find out," Lina replied, revealing the large gold ring from within her pockets.

"How did you-" Autolycus started. But he remembered Lina's hearty handshake with Thrushmire.

Autolycus blinked, opening his eyes again with new found respect for this Lina Inverse.

"Yah know, you make a pretty decent thief," he said, smiling honestly.

"You're not half bad yourself," she replied.

An explosion from the mansion behind them, (accompanied with bellows that I'm not allowed to repeat,) signaled them of Thrushmire's approaching retribution.

"Now, O King of Thieves," said Lina, "Let's see how fast you can run!"

FINE

Tell me what you think: threeeyedcowboy@aol.com

Be sure to visit the Gigaworks website for even better work.


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